1
TRYING BEDSIDE MANNER
MOTHER, MAY I:
Sitting in a waiting room, my mother is concerned looking at me so sympathetic you can barely question why I would be oh-so distraught.
“Barrels” in my mouth in a claim, “Methamphetamines…”
“Mom, I didn’t know… I thought it was given to the soldiers during the war to ward off hunger… I thought that it could keep you awake and even alert when worn down… I thought it made snakes think you’re a snake… I thought that if I used it my skin would heal no matter what. You told me I had all the potential in the world and I missed everyone so much when I met a man and situation worse than Karl…”
She replies and that is when I try my bed-side manner.
FATHER -
“This is all I have ever wanted for you; the ministry, the fellowship, the fondness for responsibility, the fulfillment in accountability but you couldn’t see it before.”
“I thought it was unobtainable, and I just couldn’t figure out why.”
“Well, now that you have made it here. What do you think it was?”
“I don’t think I can say so myself. It may make more sense to have others explain it for us while we are both present so that we may mind our manners. I learned this lesson myself at a ball game we worked, learning the wage even before your time and it is such a learning curve that I just cannot even-”
“Alright. What do you think everyone will say?”
“I am unsure with no assurance they may understand
as they were not present for what we have lived.”
“…but they were there. They have to know something.”
“That’s fair. I think I need someone to explain why I need a minute. We have to speak to each other in two separate rooms while you can hear me and I can hear you but I cannot see you but still allow us both to enter the room if they let us… and only then because my heart is weak.
Someone yells, “IT WAIVERS!”
Let’s Play Ball
“I don’t wanna be a homewrecker.” sombr plays on Pandora and the quest has come to sight. The vision is possible. That is the only reason that I am able to write it at this point; there, that. Them. Again. There they are back to haunt me, “like no other.” Lyrics from “Lush Life” comes on next to find that the day has ended just right because it, itself, was right.
Sis comes out through the air means by psychokinesis encouraging me to write my heart out. Just like at a screen I know well that looks a lot more standard to something proper with a database software program running through a POS without a problem in this time period, except… it does not exist anymore, it is gone. Poof, just like that. In thin air. Building and all, gone. “Out of business.” But I’m not. I hear a suggestion from sis, ‘But I am not.” I just don’t want them to win. Not this time, not this fight. Not again. This time…
it’s my turn.
Let’s see, “I just want to let you know that you are being served by a volunteer at New Life Battered Woman’s Shelter and any tip you give would help our program.” I couldn’t remember it to save my life or maybe only to save my life could I paraphrase it and botch it… just like any chops. The whole time I am confident until I did not think I would have to go through training for a position again until I realized the crowd… boy, am I awkward especially with those types of “sit-chi-ations.” I almost immediately realized the purpose though, even more awkward when you realize someone’s heart and soul as someone you once knew but cannot recall to an exact memory. It is all nostalgic, for the most part.
The moment I actually realized it, I guess you could say I wondered what a predator or perpetrator would feel. Unfortunately, it did not feel so hot after he left because he was only a little boy to me. I even felt awkward calling a little girl, little girl. Must have something to do with the purpose in the pay too, how about all of it?
“Anyone want to take me to the ball game was the thought for every heart in every seat...”
LAUGH OUT LOUD, JUST KIDDING; it is amazing to see the next generation, especially when you consider how hilarious it is to be around people that you have grown to know. It is not what they thought, everyone. This town knows better. I am just this way myself. The boys are looking at the girls shameful, as the actual word that comes to mind – that is. Hint, hint. Mind who is helping, there is no help here. I just cannot even. I definitely could not with myself when I grew up on a child and my snarky remark made me sound like the creep, maybe me think, ‘where is their survivor home?’
“Men, should we address your victim statuses and arrange a…” see, I have issues now with jokes. I think I met some people who have met me but do not know me very well…
The company that is kept can be found in words that become key. “You know what I mean.”
“Careful everyone, I remember enough.
I will tell you all the truth at the same time too.”
Wink-wink. ;]
2
A Vision for Eloise
Written as Mirta Lamay Ayala
From my seat, what it looks like, can be felt day to day; the more it is lived as it grows within each day into the next, it becomes that much more obtainable in a vision than the day allows me to feel, and I wonder, ‘does anyone feel the way I do?
Right now, the vision brings me the daily bread without hunger when just the night before I had eaten during Closing Prayers but ironically it made the food taste that much better. It must be the closing prayer in a night meal. Both helped me heal from gluttony. While I found myself filled last night and satisfied with one simple serving, I wonder if the same meal will satisfy me and bring me sleep that wakes me with ease rather than fear another day may not be promised.
Envisioning perfection from this point looks like:
a morning found to freshly refurbished, reupholstered furniture that takes as long as it is tended with care to detail, remaining the focus for idleness that usually leaves much angst with a house in all its integrity organized as perfectly imperfect as it needs to be just so the sight never causes more stress than necessary. There is no need to leave behind realism. It is every day living that made life realize what the goal was, but I cannot help and wonder if there is something missing that I need.
Thinking about Devotions makes me know that when at least your devotion does not waiver, it is the arrival to Devotions that brings that in. So, chuckle a little because we made it for our Daily Bread and sometimes I really wonder… maybe it comes with bread too, and maybe that makes a lot more sense in the seasoning. A quaint light breeze to break – fast into the day with fellowship sounds counter to the point but may make all the sense for the lighthearted and for those, who never find change in their hearts, would it be possible that something light eaten with the word may bring weight to something small to lift into the day… it makes me wonder.
The breakfast table set with a nutritional respect to its presence, would be:
One cup of coffee (It is good for the heart, but more than that could be risky business.)
One 11 ounce cup of cranberry juice
One 4 ounce orange juice
One 8 ounce apple juice
Of course, the juices are by choice or as quench because sometimes the words need to be spoken.
Fruits of every kind
Bread risen
One honest hard-boiled egg
Fresh jam and churned butter
much more than this would be excessive for the lightened hope that should be felt when life’s heavy-daunting realizations form.
REST THE DISASTER
REDEMPTION: BOOK FOR THE BIBLE
TESTIMONY MANUSCRIPT
A vision beyond the vision is a room filled with blue seating, there are faint nostalgic faces hard-lined, pressed, and traced with an expression that is present just for a moment because in that moment we all want what we want. (I wanted them to know me, that I am just like them too. It would have been nice to find them in me to be pleasant to experience, that they have someone who appreciates them. And maybe, I wanted that too.) The desire for the goals unachievable before the moment may become obtainable after taking that seat. I know because someone before we found out; either it is left somehow to find or they are there to encounter when you need them. [8:18 PM; 7/2/2026 – R.-C.M. (‘when you need them.’)]
“...I thank you all… we are in a stronger… worry, sad, keep us all…,” during Closing Prayer.
“...our true identity, our true purpose…,” possibly his name, heard in conversation, Andre.
“I took a shower. I put deodorant on…,” [7/2/2026 – R.-C.M.]
This I have felt necessary to clarify more than once in my own life as well, there’s something about being reminded that you need a reminder that does not always provide passage for a reminder.
“...get off the line...”
There is something in a heart-ship that should not find a receiver that has such an easily made decision with a simple tap of a finger. Sometimes hanging up is much easier but easily unnecessary when you do not make the choice to require the decision. Some things are better resolved with a respectable approach; time and a place to only find fit when effort is made first. Attention to the details. Families will always find a way and there is such a thing as a Modern Family. Either way, both scenarios, I can only guess, faith and belief keep a family strong with happiness the abundance that may be promised. Bringing a life into this world may just require considering one or the other; if only where two should not have married, their separation was the beginning to my end but their marriage was my demise from the start. Now, all I can harp on is everyone else and their endings.
“...thank you for everything, thank you for my family…,” [7/2/2026 – Ruth A.]
Two are missed only in a quote because there are moments that feel more important in the moment than a keystroke. Irony is the rhyme that follows a prayer, and that is what I meant.
“...my family and friends, I want to thank him for keeping everyone safe…,” [7/2/2026 – R.-C.M.]
This the part where I have the most fun with everyone, there are people that were present that I want to have speak on their own. Whatever comes to find that comes to mind that coincides with the previous, please, in the lord’s name,
“[Kim]”
“[Kayla]”
There are only so many options and ways to say much more after they speak,
you just never know.
4
Listen to:
‘“She said clean your room.”’
Somewhere in the world someone thought that.
This wasn’t even the half of it.
This came at a price, and it is paid on time if I get it there, which I do. It was never easy to roll down the street with change until routes started recognizing we needed to get there. Buses are not a hood move. It’s responsible to realize the relaxation travel can give you. A card that fits colors red, white, and blue are fit for a dollar on the bus any way you want to go by zone, but the plastic will only charge you normal. Processing through thin air should not cost a cent. “Air Rights.” They may have heard that too between whispers on the lane that did not change the changed.
“Take to the streets.”
“But in which way do you mean?” How many variations come from this sentence. It is direct in thought; it is blue, but it is print in settlement to simple content. Black hard lines structurally thinned cobble across marble, if such a thing.
“Peculiar.”
“Who is who?” ‘Find you,” smirked.
Don’t worry, the account is closed and has been for a while. It is wonder why.
There’s an order that takes transactions across offices and institutions that make sure you know where you’re going. When you go to the Post Office, they got you for $15.00 to verify where your money order goes. It is an easy pay for a huge payout, but you shouldn’t need it. And even better when a friend helps you out on a technicality it can be an annoyance; irritations… family ties in a place that no one owns and it is nonstop begrudging eye points.
‘What is up with this washer… great.’ Everyone feels it. Water. ‘That too.’ We are all thinking it.
“Ugh, great.”
“What?”
For $50.00 you can be a bad bitch and thank a friend for completing something you don’t want to.
“Fucking washer broke and it had some fucked water just chilling in it with the most annoying problem with Iron…”
‘Wait, was it?’
Hmm, whatever. It needed balance. Don’t need to really listen, “just do it.”
***It is that disrupted conversation because there is no one there. Straight face.***
Floors always have this space; you staring back at yourself, “does it ever just stop giving headache vibes?”
Ugh, blue lines with suggestions. Annoyance. One. Blank. It is empty. ‘Guess there’s space."
Which one…
gives me the me back I need.
In a picture, seen as split makes no sense to characteristics fit into one personality. Aspects. Be both.
Listen ladies, ladies listen. Close it down. Both are me. Both of you are you. Tad bit in fun when the responsibilities have been taken care for the month, giving the doctor a wake up call. Ring, ring.
Friends can be a nice distraction from the usual step on the eve where nothing takes more than respect to give back; this. Memories. Promises. It can be haunting if you do not follow through, but space can be necessary in personal strife that ring, rings. And rings, until it doesn’t ring anymore. Receiver interrupted. It can be a good thing.
‘Find you. Don’t lose sight.’
Bye, Bye, Bye - it can be a tie cut for a bunch of Marionettes that deserve the stage when a Burlesque tap on the floor and ground hits so hard the masses all want in. If there was a red, yield, green hot spot for a group that forgot what was important it would be a band that is acknowledged access.
“Where is the alcohol?” ‘Bottoms up.’ But not for everyone, and that’s okay. It just means it was acknowledged upon entry. DECISIONS, DECISIONS. Acknowledge boundaries.
Ding*
The Check Before the Reck
Listen to ^^
Welp, no sex in that encounter means sleep for the next eight hours with no disruptions. Ahh, relaxation following responsible counts in alcohol. 👌
5
“Are you in my bedroom… are you, are you…”
Listening to Teddy Swims reminds the pleasure that is taken when someone takes something never intended when you invite them in; beware. Caution. Think twice and ask, “Do we?*”
Before the assumption becomes, this should be welcomed. The question.* Think twice.
The person chosen is the person that is supposed to bring peace. Safety, comfort, reassurance. Funny this can be misconstrued easily. The commonly referred, “live, love, happiness” is this. All these feelings should come with a space that doesn’t bring nerves panic. Before someone else comes through that threshold make sure there is a conversation that makes sense. Be clear. Be direct. Be upfront.
Where are you in your relationship?
Are you both mentally healthy? And this one can be a loaded question. It may take some time together to figure out whether that means you live apart or not until reassurance can promise a home.
When you look at someone you have communicated love to, is it going to hurt to see them give physical affection to someone else? Most likely, yes. No matter what we all claim, the answer is yes. It is never about insecurities. It is rarely about stance, position, or accomplishment. And it is always about love.
“Do you love me?” That awkward conversation that builds tension. Plateau. Think back. Where in that anticipation was it ever thought that the conversation would ever actually give you the love story? You missed it when you pushed it. Live to the fullest. Cliche. But is it? ‘Think again.’ Give it back, the hope and the promise that life was meant to hold spontaneity gone out the window. Chuckles can find someone outside a memory that is never meant to leave a bad feeling in the response to a memory that isn’t theirs but pleasant to love itself.
Remember when as a child it never mattered what any of it meant. Innocence: ignorance must be bliss. Figures. If only it could be taken back.
Maybe it can. Coming to know yourself and fully knowing yourself can be that innocence relived. Knowing exactly what you want, how you feel, how you think, what you accept/what you do not, and being able to communicate as much will always give that innocence a place in essence. Helps that it makes it easier to know better for yourself what love should feel like when you have it because you can actually see it when it’s time to see it. That way it surprises you in a breathless realization the way it is supposed to. Don’t sell yourselves short. Love doesn’t have to cost a thing.
Let’s cut the bullshit…
“Impressions can be everlasting enough to end up the same way you came into the world…”
“…alone.”
