Speak 🗣

It is a condition we have to hold. It comes with all the control that is lost in the first person. That comes in many forms and is placed in your life in you.

You cannot speak about what it is that controls you until you speak about what it is that may hold you.

This is coming from a thought happening, left to little experience called times of peace.

The peace is an inner gift given when the realization becomes manifested, that much has been received. That has been the experience.

A transitional shift may be a measure left past taking account the experience taken. This is the confusion. The beginning and the end seem slight in their meanings. Speaking in regard becomes the measure when it is almost impossible to even attempt. The questions become slight, the actions many.

There is light to the tunnel. There always is. It cannot be seen when the realization has not been. Giving the space for the chance is time in peace where peace becomes the space. It has to be as it is when it is that may only continue as you allow it.

I admit I am powerless. And that is all I take to work it because if you work, it works. I would like to think otherwise but it is true except there are some seen thought luxuries I find necessities. What is going to work for me?

Time may tell.

Maybe I want life again. There isn’t much to what it looks like except a vision that we may never have. The latter is still bliss when you can find a life worth living. Sometimes it ends up right where you thought life would never be. I live beyond the past except it is in my every movement, every step I take, and no one knows my heart’s pain that hasn’t lived it themselves and thank God that is where I am today, tonight. I am wanting for every single life lost to a decision they did not account as theirs to take grasp the blessings that come with realizing there is more for the self than a downfall. Let it be the miracle I prayed, for every living breath be the exhaling realization that life is worth it no matter the assumptions. It took me some time to read this much into what I should have. Let’s see what it means.

What if I am running to what I can have right here with the hardware I accidentally came to require as life has done me in. You know, I haven’t spoken on much when it comes to my own death. It is something a center, facility, ultimately a psychiatric location finds daunting to realize is right in front of them. A heart beat so quiet it makes you wonder what makes a person walk blind through a mile, even if back and forth. It is that unsettling. There are resources available but the pickings are slim because there are many other options available for people like me. Living on the governments dime is hardly the case as you consider what we do and what we have done to have what we do. We speak, we require attendance, we pay respects to the resources, and they always provide the necessary tools to manage something we did not ask to be the circumstance. It is life. But I highly doubt we need it to look shameful. In this, I pick up my journey and give the world a bird’s eye view on me. The dirty, the ugly, afraid, and present annoyance that reminds you the movie magic wants you to know that you matter… hunky dory. Give me the feels for a vibe beyond a stigma I choose to live above and I’ll give you my answer.

It isn’t so bad that I met a ministry with hope and blessings, but I had to give my respects and let the next person allow themselves the freedom to live through the grain. There has to be a blessing in answering to life on your own or at least making that attempt. I would tell you where I am but that is mine. Just know, I paid for mines to lift the many in the direction that it is possible to be blessed so long as you do your part. Realizing what it means, what it looks like, and what it can be is where I have been. Now, I need it now more than ever to be right. I need a spot to pick me up. Disbelief in dropping “I” from the movement that is positively uplighting and rewarding no matter the chatter. Otherwise can be frightening, but does it have to be? Absolutely not. That is not where the strength comes from. It is in defeating the obstacle.

I have been missing from life for some time, but there are others that can be admired as inspirations that have made it through similar and it is a painstaking divide to be thought indifferent. I want to try again, but can I? Do I deserve that much from life again? I just want to let go and move on from a life that I choose with God in my heart. I choose life in my life and there was nothing I can do except let her go to her own kin that she fit better. They never realized my untapped potential to be more than the appearance let me be. It was an obvious demise to my own character’s role that I own now. Maybe school, at a pace that allows me to have a voice.