4

Decisions, Decisions

At 32 years old - finally - independence has come at the end of a signature that has left much to be anticipated. Between walking out the door at 17 years old while still in high school after accomplishing every dream imaginable and living with the lack of acknowledgement in as much has been trying. It always is trying. ‘When is it going to end? Where did it all go wrong?’

The thoughts around these questions linger in barely furnished rooms but the space is accounted for in the rent and it comes with a name. Peace will find its way and what it grows to show will speak volumes just as a picture does. At least that is the intent. Ever walk through the door and wonder, “where am I at?” The stressors that sit on the counter, the dust that finds no attention, the dishes that never made it to the shelf, the scattered day in another… the reminder sets itself for the month. But it doesn’t have to be that. Sectioned off responsibilities are easily seen when they slowly fill to a place with a purpose that is empty, but when it’s already there how does it find a home? It is in you. It’s what you choose, but this changes day to day.

“Life isn’t easy.”

‘Is giving up an option?' Wouldn’t that be so much easier, to just be.’ Think not. Think no. Think never. Who wants to look back on their life at what feels like the end and find they may have wanted life the whole time… the answer: no one.

KNOW NO

Heard today the strongest word is “no” and boy is it when you want to know “yes” - especially when it comes in a familiar form: “Insufficient Funds.” Taking to the line the reminder when someone checks themselves at a limit can be a flush in the face. Embarrassment sometimes comes swift but is left to be frustration and disappointment on the way out. It is okay though when you plan ahead. Think quick. At least the groceries are bought, and it seems to go a longer way than initially considered. ‘Ah, peace in disappointment. For once.’ (Side Note) But don’t get comfortable. Bills come even sooner than a walk out the store with nothing in your hands.

So, what’s the lesson in this declined transaction… it’s the choice in a previous purchase that provides just as much until it can be processed. Patience is a virtue, except the thought in that leaves a bad taste. It is going to take some planning.

Here is the present: the bank account is drained, waiting for pay day. The credit cards are maxed near limit awaiting fraction splits to finagle either early payments or a simple idle until due date comes around. BUT, rest assured, there was some sense in being absent-minded. The refrigerator and freezer are full enough. The pantry shelves behind reason are definitely stocked. Hygiene products, feminine products, beauty products, and everything else for beauty fit for every day is there because it has to be. Can’t go without the necessities and let’s not forget somewhere to sit, sleep, and shoot… who doesn’t budget a toilet bowl brush (someone who can stick their hand in there with a Clorox wipe and not flush it). It’ll do.

Even dinner is being done to peculiar mannerisms bringing wonder. Hope it works. It should. We’ll see.

Choices To Lead

There is a lot when it comes to finding yourself. This is especially difficult when you knew and know something beyond your own control that stops the other side of yourself from finding you as well. There are no words to depict the hardship on both ends; the endless nights that fade into normalcy, the nagging feelings that subside in requirement, and even worse - there is a slight ominous reminder in every second something is missing, and when it is found, there is nothing that can stop it from becoming apparent.

Missing something that has never been is a peculiar feeling left to thought that has never actually found place. Wonder will guide wander where there is no destination. The people met are lost to their own lives in a perspective that gives peace because the “what if” is too much. But when too much is given, there is “room to breathe.” What does this mean for each as it becomes known in words another has the gal to write. No apologies this time. There should not be, but with the one where apologies mean nothing… never make a difference.

Never in an apology because it means nothing when it is not warranted. Where an apology gives nothing it should because it has no home in the person; let it go.

Sitting to baked potatoes in fresh ingredients to see what the tiff is about, wonder builds. That is all there is. Wonder without the wander because a home has been claimed, and it is where someone sits when they decide to “plant roots,” which is never easy for an outsider to prove something they should never have to.

Thanks to pay day processing when it normally does there is promised payments to credit cards to build trust that the prospects will be just that. For that and them. In that it is with itself and the commitment someone makes, it is the promise there is a presence behind the transaction. Credit cards to find some relief with a “back-up” hold (the limit relieved to keep safety) while a payment is scheduled before its date, that is what feels goods. To be on-top of the luxury to have the very access that alleviates the stress that presents in day to day.

There is something in figuring out what is there that does not have to be the enemy but the stress relieving moment in a purchase - as long as you do not take unnecessary advantage of the access. ‘What is it that does not sit right? Don’t think too in depth where it does not belong unless it does.’

Tonight, baked variations found curiosity in 400 degrees. One foil fold in a full red potato with just butter sitting in cut vegetables being onion, garlic, and pepper with a little salt and pepper while the other a take on the same indifference in Olive Oil cut to pieces with a Jalapeno pepper, onion, and Garlic - tomato to sweeten in addition. The chops Zip Loc tended to Protein Pancake Mix, sealed in Egg, and then relived in the panko/plain breading - Crisco gives a perfect fry in a simple Dollar General/Family Dollar pan on an electric stove. Bad and bougie can be in simple settings that are quaint but high maintenance. There is living proof. Here it is. And the paper plate is still more high class than any restaurant table setting. You know how it is known, people do it at home. By the way, Sour Cream and that sauce combination is a pleasant bad girl move on the taste. It is something we all do.